In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.
First Ever Good Use Case Found for Metaverse as Singer Purchases ‘Balle Balle Land’
Initial naysayers of the Metaverse, this writer included, have been left stumped. A new dawn in virtual reality has arrived to save tech from itself. A certain singer in teletubby or power rangers attire — depending on how you look at it — purchased “land” in the Metaverse and turned it into the utopia that all netizens needed but don’t yet deserve — the “Balle Balle Land.” All concerns about big tech and the dangers of virtual reality have now been put to rest, as all agree that the best and only use-case possible for the Metaverse has finally been discovered. Indeed, Minecraft walked so that Balle Balle Land could run. Experts note that this is what the Metaverse was born to do — with the singer saving us from the clutches of data mining and other nefarious big tech activities. If user data is used to enhance Balle Balle Land to make this new arena more immersive, sign this writer up immediately.
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Author Announces TV Spin-off of Acclaimed Series, Prepared to Do Whatever It Takes to Not Finish the Series Itself
It is unclear at this time which word a particular author puts “pro” into: is it productivity or procrastination? The writer of an acclaimed fantasy series has certainly been busy — not with finishing the series in question but announcing a TV spin-off. Expert procrastinators are stunned at the sheer determination this man has at not getting the thing that’s immediately required, done. Reports suggest that he is currently in the process of growing the paper trees required to produce the paper that would then print his book, which still exists only in his mind. It may well be that fans can expect the next installment in the beloved franchise to release after the universe’s heat death, presumably by an all-powerful, all-consuming dragon — conjured up by the author to avoid writing his book for a little longer.
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Actor Set to Buy Mumbai Court as Vacation Home Ahead of Yet Another Summon
An actor has been summoned to a Mumbai court to answer for his questionable behavior once again. This marks so many visits to the court that the grapevine suggests he will simply buy the court as his vacation home, given how much time he spends relaxing there before promptly heading safely out with no consequences. The court itself is not up for sale, of course, but that has never stopped The Bhai. He may just go on to purchase it at a price that is a bang for his Buck.
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State That Has Consistently Been Exclusionary Feels Left Out of Movie Release
The release of a movie in Telugu, Tamil, and Hindi has left the state of Karnataka feeling miffed and left out. Kannadigas are reportedly boycotting the film as a result — a move that is surprising considering that Karnataka itself is an expert at excluding people on the basis of their culture. After starting a chain of events with serious consequences for several Muslim women, Karnataka’s poor fragile feelings were hurt at this glaring exclusion. So it did what it does best: stage a boycott. However, nobody is quite sure yet how a boycott works if the thing being boycotted never included you in the first place — but with Karnataka, a boycott is not just a protest, it is an emotion. A rather bigoted one at that.
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Supreme Court Deliberates on Most Urgent Matter of Our Times
The apex court of the country is set to answer the questions many Indians have struggled with for centuries: when it comes to a popular beverage brand — is it lemonade, or juice? The question is may not be a matter of fundamental rights, but it is certainly of fundamental importance. With nothing else on citizens’ minds, the judgment on what to call this particular drink weighs heavily on the country’s mind. So delicate is the case that either verdict could spark outrage to a degree that law enforcement will not be able to contain. Juice enthusiasts maintain that the integrity of juice is at stake, whereas lemonade supporters insist that lemonade rights matter. Whatever the decision, the future of the country hangs in the balance on this pivotal question.
Written By Rohitha Naraharisetty
Rohitha Naraharisetty is an Associate Editor at The Swaddle. Previously, she was a freelance writer and independent researcher working in the intersection of gender, social movements, and international relations. She can be found on Instagram at @rohitha_97 or on Twitter at @romimacaronii.